Jon Dawson: Wedding scheduled for homecoming to save money on food

A few weeks ago I wrote about my recent experience being the best man at a friend's wedding. It was an enjoyable day, but midway through the reception my mellow was harshed by the realization that The Wife and I have two daughters. 

Traditionally, the bride's family foots the bill for the wedding, so I'm already dropping hints that my two Tax Deductions should get married in a double ceremony or possibly elope to save money. You may think these are the ramblings of a cheap, miserly man whose years of skating by on his good looks are nearly behind him. In reality, I'm embracing the Millennials who believe they have a better way of doing everything.

The generation in my rear-view mirror consider things such as cars, newspapers and physical copies of music to be passe'.  Just last week after a concert, I drove around Raleigh with a friend looking for a restaurant while dodging what seemed like hundreds of young adults darting around the streets on electric scooters. 

I'm sure those scooters generate less pollution than my trusty Impala, but what happens when a 112-lb male (113-lb if you count the weight of the ink used to tattoo a portrait of Mark Zuckerberg on his neck) collides with a 23,000-pound bus? Is there an app for that?

Scooter Dude can't help it, and to be fair he's no more to blame than my own generation. Over the last few decades, my own group has decided a good old fashioned mortgage isn't enough to worry about. No, we've either invented or been sold the idea that non-essentials are, well, essential.

Kids birthday parties

When I was a kid during the Paleolithic era, birthdays were a simple yet joyous affair. There would be a cake, some ice cream and some presents. In the cold light of now, the scenario I just described sounds like a scary bedtime story to most kids. Why? Because now the kids who ATTEND the birthday parties are expecting a gift bag. It's not their birthday, so why are they getting a bag of presents? The kid who made it through another year is the star of the show, and therefore should be the only person receiving a gift. 

Mind you, The Wife and I received a gift bag at the wedding we attended last month and I have to admit, it was fabulous - chocolate, snack crackers, bottles of water, popcorn and some very nice ink pens. You may say I'm a hypocrite for enjoying the gift bag, but I had to summon all of my inner strength in order to compromise my principals for the sake of peace and harmony in our society. If I must accept delicious snacks against my will in order to promote peace, then so be it.  

Pets

I love dogs. In my lifetime I've owned a beagle, a boxer/pit bull mix, a black lab and currently a billy goat/howler monkey mix named Lucille. This thing will run into a cornfield, pull an ear of corn and then shuck it and eat it as if it were at a cotillion banquet (click here for video proof).

All of my dogs have been loyal, loving and endlessly entertaining. As a family, we make sure they are provided with food, water, shelter, heart worm and flea treatments and as much love as a family with work and job responsibilities can provide. 

When we go to a restaurant, the leftovers are always collected for Lucille, who can hear a Styrofoam to-go tray shut from 20 miles away. It's not uncommon for her to be waiting for us at the mailbox with a knife and fork.

I truly believe dogs have a soul and they are a gift from God. However, at no time have I believed any of our dogs were actually people. 

While no one was looking, an entire industry has mushroomed to the point of absurdity around the anthropomorphism of dogs. Whether its a GoFundMe page set up to raise money for a poodles' liposuction or Scooter Dude lobbying his congressman to allocate federal dollars to cover Rogaine treatments for balding schnauzers with low self-esteem, we as a people have lost the plot. 

Weddings

A few hours ago you may remember I mentioned having two weddings to finance at some point in the future. The double-wedding scenario I put forth has already been shot down, as has my request that the kids wait until they're 50 to get married.

The main trigger for my wedding anxiety is this infernal "save the date" card business. Why not just mail a single wedding invitation? What is the point of printing up and mailing "save the date" cards to let people know they'll be receiving a wedding invitation?

Have the wedding planner and postal service lobbyists joined forces in some sort of cabal to generate more revenue for their respective industries? In a few years will we be pre-calling people to let them know we'll be calling in a few minutes?

The Wife made her own wedding gown and bridesmaid dresses and plans to do the same for our two Tax Deductions. As for the food at the reception, my plan is to have the girls get married on homecoming Sunday at church when everyone will be bringing food for the covered-dish dinner anyway. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to be fitted for a scooter helmet.

Contact Jon at jon@neusenews.com and www.jondawson.com.