Jon Dawson: Chitlin'-sicles sold at unsanctioned fair
Last week while thousands of people were enjoying a wholesome night of family fun at the Lenoir County Fair, a man in the Bucklesberry community of La Grange was operating an illegal fair.
According to an incident report, Jon Hughes, 45, of 1971 Fillmore East Avenue, operated several concession stands and amusement rides without the proper permits from Oct. 8-12.
“What do I need a permit for?” Hughes asked on Wednesday. “I have a permit for this land, which in turn should permit me to do what I want to do with it.”
Law enforcement officials shut down Hughes' fair after receiving reports of fraud and lycanthropy brought on by counterfeit sauerkraut.
“Money is so tight right now I can't even afford to tip my hat, so to save money we took the kids to Mr. Hughes' fair,” said Greg Baker of Kinston. “It only cost $3 per person, so we figured a cheap fair would be better than no fair at all. The hot dogs were OK, but the petting zoo was nothing more than a collection of stray dogs fighting over a trash can lid full of expired Ol’ Roy mixed with Shasta. Something about the ensuing gravy just made those dogs mean.”
Other attractions that raised eyebrows at Hughes' fair included The Maze of Empties, The Bearded Uncle, The Hall of Busted Moped Mirrors, Bobbing for Brisket, Spot the Weave and the Wet Shoes contest.
”Hughes threw a water hose on top of and old packhouse and called it a water slide,” said Saundra Santiago of Snow Hill. “Kids were sliding off a rusty tin roof and landing on a pile of mattresses he’d picked out of the landfill.”
Hughes said claims that he'd created an unsafe environment were totally unwarranted.
“This all plays into the nanny state mentality that’s ruining this country,” Hughes said. “Just because trace elements of rickets and Texas Pete were found on those mattresses, everybody got all in a huff. Children's immune systems need something to practice on. I've been told by several people that after a few years of coming to my fair, they don't even need vaccinations when traveling internationally."
If some patrons were willing to cast a blind eye to Hughes' unusual amusement rides, none of them could ignore his menu.
“We had nutria on a stick, fried pennies, boiled Nabs, worm spaghetti, and chitlin-sicles,” Hughes said. “And our cotton candy isn't that fake stuff that’s all sugar; ours is made from real cotton.”
This is not Hughes' first brush with the law. A background check revealed he was cited twice in Miami for running an illegal nursing home fighting ring in 1989. In 1994, Hughes pleaded no contest to one count of impersonating a Wayans.
From 2010 to 2014, Hughes hosted a show on CNN under the pseudonym 'Piers Morgan'.
Jon Dawson's humor columns are published weekly by Neuse News. Contact Jon at jon@neusenews.com and www.jondawson.com.
