Jon Dawson: Local restaurant readies drive-thru for boats
Chances are you're reading this on a phone, a computer, or in a few test markets, Apple's new hydration-delivery/communications device, the iDrate.
What is iDrate? iDrate is a water bottle equipped with an LED screen that gives you up-to-date information while you're drinking your iWater.
Still drinking old fashioned water? C'mon now, you know plain old water is yesterday's news.
With the iDrate digital fluid delivery system, you'll see real-time updates of your pulse, stress level and the number of steps needed to keep the grim reaper from your door for just a few more minutes — all sponsored by New Balance, The Walker’s Shoe.
You may think my little sketch there about a water bottle with a digital readout is something out of 1984 (the book, not the Van Halen album), but it's getting to the point where humans cannot function solely on their wits.
A few weeks ago I was coming back from Raleigh. It was around 9 p.m. and I started to crave some good ol' road food. I'd stuck with the salads and water all week, so I decided to live like Elvis for a few minutes and get a chicken sandwich.
Since it was so late, I didn't expect the drive-thru to be cranking out orders at a Gatling gun's pace. The employees were probably trying to clean up and go home, and here comes this rube just before closing.
To my surprise, their were several cars in the drive-thru line. To pass the time I dialed up my favorite radio show Aural Tethers out of Canada (yes, on my phone) and said a little prayer to God, thanking him for letting me survive another day of driving among those lunatics on Interstate 40.
As the vehicles in the drive-thru started to make their way forward, I rolled my window down to get a little fresh air. Doing this allowed me to hear the guy in front of me order his food. Bless his heart, I've seen people going in for back surgery ask fewer questions.
After interrogating the drive-thru operator as if she were a Guantanamo detainee for several minutes, the guy only ordered a chicken biscuit. Did I mention he was pulling a boat the size of my house behind his truck? You could drape a sail over this boat and it would have qualified as a mall.
If you can find anyone who'll admit to knowing me, they'll tell you I'm nothing if not considerate of others. If I were pulling the Titanic and wanted some chicken, I'd park it out of everybody's way and walk into the restaurant. What I witnessed, however, was a man attempting to drive a 14-foot tall boat under a 10-foot awning. When it wouldn't fit, he made faces at the drivers behind him as if they were driving his truck by remote control.
Instead of the situation turning into fodder for Ken Burn's next project, everyone in line behind Captain Ahab put it in reverse and eased backed up a few feet. On a positive note, one gentleman who was leaving the restaurant's dining room just in time to see cars moving in reverse through the drive-thru line gave up drinking on the spot.
Instead of parking and walking in, Captain Ahab decided to do this:
“As for me, I am tormented with an everlasting itch for things remote. I love to sail forbidden seas, and land on barbarous coasts” — Herman Melville. Photo by Jon Dawson / Neuse News
Maybe the Captain was preoccupied with the fish that got away. Most likely, the basic math app on his phone was updating for the 30th time that day and was unavailable when he really needed it. Hopefully there’s an app that’ll alert him as to when his apps are on the fritz. Otherwise, it’s time to duct-tape an extension cord to an abacus.
In the end, it doesn't really matter. For a few minutes, everyone stuck in line behind The Love Boat was able to feel intellectually superior. The incident helped wash away the taste of shame I'd acquired after managing to lock myself out of my house and car in a span of only 90 seconds the day before. My phone was actually working and I stilled goofed up.
Maybe I’m looking at this boat-in-the-drive-thru fiasco all wrong. With flooding becoming commonplace in our area, it might be a good idea to raise the awnings on our drive-thru facilities. After being stuck in the house for a few days, there’s nothing like some sweet tea and seasoned french fries to brighten your day. Doesn’t someone entrepreneur out there want to start a boat-based Uber service? I know a guy who has a boat.
Jon Dawson’s humor columns are published weekly by Neuse News. Contact Jon at jon@neusenews.com and www.jondawson.com.
