Jon Dawson: Kinston man mistaken for Goofy at Disney World

Neuse News Editor Bryan Hanks was mistaken for a cartoon character at Disney World / Photo by Interpol

I live in the country, surrounded by cornfields, woods and quite possibly several undetonated munitions from WWII that may have fallen out of a DC-10 in 1945.

For six months out of every year, the view from my living room window is a sea of corn. The soil is so rich crop rotation isn’t needed, so when there's no corn it's just a vast, empty field.

Yesterday at 1:30 p.m. I engaged in the following text exchange with Neuse News Editor/Golden Girls Reenactment Leader Bryan Hanks. Aside from the correction of Hanks’ multiple grammatical errors, the conversation is presented in its entirety.

Hanks: "Driving through South Carolina...if we pick up fireworks, can we shoot them off at your house?"

Dawson: "The field is full of corn, but once it's been picked, sure."

Hanks: "Sweet!"

Even as I was typing my response, I was under no misapprehension Hanks would actually wait until autumn to set off those fireworks. I've seen the man tear into a bag of microwave popcorn straight out of the box because "microwaves take too long". When I told him I cook popcorn in a pot on a stove and that it takes upwards of five minutes - let alone that I don't even own a microwave - he reported me to Social Services.

On Sunday Hanks was passing through South Carolina on his way to Disney World, which I hear is neither crowded or hot this time of year.

The last time he went to Disney World, he purchased several pounds of 'Disney Dollars', which were basically traveler's checks that only worked inside the Disney Kingdom. I think one Disney Dollar was the equivalent of two United States dollars, and from what I'm told it was some sort of scam to help Mickey Mouse dig out of the financial hole he fell into following his tumultuous divorce from Minnie.

Hanks has been trying to unload these Disney Dollars for a couple of years now, be it through vending machines, the collection plate or his weekly poker game with Andrea Bocelli.

The last time Hanks went to Disney World a park employee accused him of posing as a "counterfeit" Disney character.

"I'm inside the Goofy suit sweating like a gypsy with a mortgage," said Nicholas Cummins of Perth. "And in walks this Bryan Hanks character taking all my business. I can make up to $200 in tips per day from parents who want their kid's picture taken with Goofy. I recently learned that Hanks wasn't posing as Goofy, but that he is just naturally a goof. I suggested the Disney guys create a character based on Hanks, but the word I got back was 'no one would believe someone would dress or act like that in the real or imaginary world.'".

"I was wearing my normal clothes," a confused Hanks told Disney World security at the time of the incident.

Whenever Hanks goes to Disney World he always brings back presents, although one year due to a mishap he ended up in a tug of war with my youngest daughter, Tax Deduction #2.

"I brought a set of Mickey Mouse ears for TD#2 but accidentally gave her the bag with my Little Mermaid pajamas," Hanks was quoted as saying in a police report. "TD#2 is usually a sweetheart, but she could not be reasoned with. After begging, bribing and crying didn't work, I resorted to yelling 'HEY, LOOK AT THAT PANDA IN THE HALLWAY!!', which caused her to look away for a split second. I grabbed the pajamas, but she took me down before I made it to the door."

It's now two years later and the witless, pajama-less Hanks will no doubt continue his streak of generosity, as is his nature. All TD#2 wants to do is hang out with "Mr. Bryan", and when she does she'll be wearing his Little Mermaid pajamas - and there's nothing he can do about it.

Epilogue: As Neuse News went to press, Twitter was filled with reports of Roman Candles being ignited inside a navy blue Mustang being driven by “a deranged man wearing a Golden Girls t-shirt” who was screaming “WHY DIDN’T YOU ROLL THE WINDOWS DOWN FIRST?!?!” on U.S. 1 in Orlando.

Jon Dawson's humor columns are published weekly by NeuseNews.com.

Contact Jon at jon@neusenews.com and www.jondawson.com.