Jon Dawson: Gray hair and aspirin hoarding
Coy, Vance, Bo and Luke try to validate their parking.
It's impossible for most of us to survive in the wild for more than five minutes without a wallet and a phone. For some of us, it's a daily struggle to go five minutes without misplacing one of those items.
I'm currently on a hot streak, as I haven't misplaced my phone or wallet going on three months. I am however in week four of the lastest search for my wedding band, which takes a hike every couple of months like clockwork. I recently accused The Wife of hiding the ring as a way to enact some sort of vaguely-legal Victorian-era annulment.
Along with misplacing the occasional matrimonial adornment, I've gained a few things as of late. I'm forced to see myself in the mirror every morning, and even though I usually do so through a pin-hole in a sheet of paper, it's apparent that a squadron of gray hairs has led a coup on my noggin.
People bring it up in conversation as if I've had a sombrero surgically attached to my head for the past few years and didn't notice there were more white lines in my hair than on Robert Downey Jr.'s coffee table in the 1990s.
"OH MY GOSH! You're going gray!"
"Hey...you've got a little snow on the roof, there!"
”Are you going to just walk around like that in public?"
A while back I worked with a woman who would call Homeland Security if she had to pay more than $5 for her lunch but would shell out $80 per month to color her hair. Mind you, she had a grand total of two, I say TWO gray hairs. Because she had TWO gray hairs, she felt compelled to spend $80 on hair coloring.
"If those two gray hairs are bothering you that much, why not just pluck them out?" I asked.
"Because if there's two that means others are on the way," she'd say while clipping Arby's coupons.
"What's the big deal about gray hair," I asked. "If you live long enough that's just part of the deal."
"It's different for men," she said. "Gray hair makes men look distinguished. Are you going to finish that sandwich?"
When I survey the mounting snowdrift on the outer edges of my hairline, I'm not getting a "distinguished" vibe. Then again, civilians who see my gray hair probably don't know that at the age of 10 I was the founder, president and lone member of the "Manimal" fan club.
From Wikipedia:
"Manimal is an American action-adventure series that ran from September 30 to December 17, 1983, on NBC. The show centers on the character Dr. Jonathan Chase (Simon MacCorkindale), a shape-shifting man who can turn himself into any animal he chooses. He uses this ability to help the police solve crimes."
For proof, here’s the official trailer for the show “Manimal”:
Just last year I relinquished my duties as Manimal Fan Club President, which probably led to the rapid grayness spreading like a wildfire through the once walnut-brown ocean of hair on my skull. I mailed the numerous cease and desist letters Simon MacCorkindale sent my way over the years to the Paley Center For Media and never looked back.
When all is said and done, everyone has the right to do whatever they want with their hair. Some people spend more time on their hairdo than on their 401K, while others relish walking around looking like they just checked a few dozen electrical outlets with a fork.
As for me, I'm glad my hair hasn't packed up and moved to Albuquerque. If I'm destined to be as white-haired as Ted Knight by the time I hit 50, then so be it. He was as white-headed as Frosty The Snowman during his time on "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" and "Caddyshack", and he could afford hair dye.
To illustrate how berserk we are as a species, young adults are now dying their hair gray. Could this be a reaction to Halle Berry's gray hair in the movie "X-Men", or did someone at Allure magazine push it as a trend on a dare?
Halle Berry as Storm in the movie “X-Men” (left) and someone on Pinterest with time on their hands (right).
To recap, older adults are dying their hair to get rid of gray while young adults are dying their hair so it will appear gray. I'm sure someone, somewhere can make sense of this turn of events, but not me. If we're being honest, the world hasn't really made sense to my entire generation since they tried to replace Bo and Luke with Coy and Vance on the "Dukes of Hazzard" in 1982.
My advice? Begin stockpiling aspirin immediately.
Jon Dawson's humor columns are published weekly by Neuse News. Contact Jon at jon@neusenews.com and www.jondawson.com.
