Mike Parker: Seven key elements of being an effective father
In doing research for my recent column on the importance of fathers in the lives of children, I came across a publication from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services titled “The Importance of Fathers in the Healthy Development of Children.” This publication is part of a series focusing on child abuse and neglect. I found the points discussed in the publication so compelling I decided to share the information.
Dr. Wade F. Horn, co-founder and former president of the National Fatherhood Initiative, is credited with coining: “The myth of the superfluous father.” “Superfluous” means “exceeding what is sufficient or necessary.” “Superfluous” can also imply unnecessary. Too many men have bought into the idea their role in the home is little more than to provide an extra set of hands. Any father who views himself in this light simply does not understand the value of what a father offers a child.
The publication outlines seven specific dimensions of effective fathering.
First, effective fathers foster a positive relationship with the mother of the children.
Children become confused and insecure when they see their parents treat each other with anger and disrespect. Fathers need to learn that children develop their idea of relationships from observing the way their parents interact.
When a father treats his wife or child’s mother inappropriately, his daughter will likely come to believe that type of treatment is what she should expect. Sons who see their fathers act disrespectfully to their moms believe this behavior is the norm. The opposite is also true. When parents treat each other with respect and courtesy, then the children see that type of behavior as the norm.
Second, effective fathers spend time with their children. How do children spell “love”? T-I-M-E. If I have learned anything as a grandparent, I have learned children want to spend time with adults important to them. Dads who put work first – even above family – teach children that earning a living is more important than family. I hear many parents complain about their children spending so much time on their iPads or in front of video games and TVs. Where d you think they learned that behavior?
Third, effective fathers nurture children. “Nurture” comes from the word “nourish.” Nurture has to do with training and upbringing. Only the worst parents would allow a child to go hungry physically. But how many fathers starve their children emotionally and spiritually by failing to provide the proper training so they grow into secure adults?
Fourth, effective fathers provide appropriate disciple for children. Discipline has become a dirty word in our culture. Part of the reason is too many people equate discipline with punishment. However, discipline is one key to a civil society – and a civil home. The true purpose of discipline is to help children develop self-discipline so they become self-regulating. To be an effective disciplinarian, a father must model self-discipline. Children should never be punished in anger. That type of punishment expresses both frustration and lack of parental self-discipline. Instead of thinking in terms of punishment, think in terms of consequences and rewards. In the end, the purpose of all discipline is to help the child develop self-discipline.
Fifth, effective fathers serve as a guide to the outside world. Children need to learn to cope with the demands of life outside the home. The home may, and should, be a place of security and safety, but the outside world is not. Fathers should engage in vigorous play with children. They should encourage children to become self-sufficient as they mature. A dad should encourage small children to dress themselves, greet guests in the home properly, and deal with the frustrations of daily living.
As children grow older and hit the adolescent period, fathers should share their core beliefs and their own life experiences during those trying teen years. Fathers need to have frank discussions about peer pressure, the dangers of drugs and alcohol, and the perils of early sexual activity. Dads should also encourage children to involve themselves in service to others. Of course, Dad will have little credibility when he preaches against drinking, smoking, using drugs, and sexual promiscuity if he does the same things he condemns. Fathers: live the kind of life you want your sons and daughters to live.
Sixth, effective fathers protect their children and provide for them. Sometimes this protection is as simple as “child-proofing” the home. Fathers should teach children they should not allow themselves to be bullied. Fathers should also provide for their children. In today’s society, both Mom and Dad usually work outside the home to earn a living. Research studies show that men who work full-time express more happiness with family life and develop better relationships with their children.
Lastly, effective fathers provide a positive role model for children. Children learn from their fathers how to cope with disappointment, deal with stress and success, and endure frustrations. In these areas, a father teaches the lesson of maintaining self-control in the face of manifold challenges. Fathers should be willing to acknowledge mistakes and offer apologies for wrong doing directed at the mother or the children.
Fathers: Be the man you want you sons to become. Be the man you want you daughters to marry.
Mike Parker is a columnist for Neuse News. You can reach him at mparker16@gmail.com.
