Mike Parker: Learning the language of married life
On Feb. 18, Sandra and I celebrated our 48th wedding anniversary – just two years shy of our Golden Anniversary. No couple can stay married for 48 years without learning a few lessons along the way.
One key for maintaining a happy marriage is learning the “married life” language. For instance, most people have heard about the sweetest “three little words”: “I love you.” But other groups of three little words – a triad of trios – are also important in achieving the Nirvana expressed in the adage “Happy wife – Happy life.”
Running a close second to “I love you” is: “Honey, you’re right.” Even if I am pretty sure her opinion is completely wrong, I ask myself: “Do I want to be right – or happy?” The longer we have been married, the more I have come to understand how unimportant proving myself right is in the grand scheme of things.
The next three-word formula every man needs to learn is: “Honey, I’m sorry.” Her car breaks down? I used to ask, “When was the last time you had the car serviced?” or “How long has the ‘check engine’ light been on?” I discovered those types of responses broke the “Happy wife – Happy life” rule. My job was to get the car fixed – not to assign blame for why the car was broken. The proper response is: “Honey, I’m sorry.”
I used to have the bad habit of being sarcastic. “Honey, did you know that it is legal for women can buy gasoline in North Carolina?” Sarcasm is perhaps the surest way to break the “Happy wife – Happy life” rule.
The last triad of words is, “It’s my fault.” No matter what the problem, I learned to accept the blame. Sometimes I felt I would have to be omniscient to know a problem even existed, but “Happy wife – Happy life” dictates that I take responsibility.
Perhaps the most difficult of linguistic challenge was learning that “we” has multiple meanings. I used to think “we” meant “the two of us.” As our family grew, I developed the false impression that “we” sometimes meant “all of us” – as in “We are going to the beach.” I learned the hard way I was often excluded from that particular “we.”
I also came to understand three variations of “we” among a husband and wife. “We” can mean, “We-we,” which sounds kind of French. I learned two other variations: the “he-we” and the “she-we.”
Early in our marriage, I just assumed whenever she said “we,” she meant “both of us” – the “we-we” usage. I cannot begin to count the times I crashed and burned because I misunderstood Sandra was using another of the “we” variations.
In time, I came to understand that more often than not, “we” meant the “he-we.”
“Honey, we need to get the oil changed in my car.” Translation: “You need to take my car and get the oil changed.”
“Honey, we need to make sure the outside spigots are cut off tightly.” I learned to grab the channel locks and check the forward and aft spigots. “We” need to load up the trash and take it to the dump means, the vast majority of time, meant I needed to take off the trash.
“We are getting low on milk and blueberries” translates to “I am about to run out of milk and blueberries for my Cheerios, so please go to Walmart and get these items.”
In fairness, some “we” usages are “she-we” statements. However, most of the time, she does not say, “We need to do laundry.” She uses the first person singular “I.” The same generally applies to dishes.
But when “we” need to vacuum, I clear the floor and turn the Roomba loose. Whoever gets to the iRobot first cleans it and makes sure it is charged for the next vacuuming.
I have to admit, once I mastered “we” in all its variations, I have had to say the triad of “three little words” much less often. I still say the first three as much as I can. After 48 years, I can still say “I love you” with all the depth I have ever had.
Mike Parker is a columnist for Neuse News. You can reach him at mparker16@gmail.com.
