Kristy Kelly: I didn't know what I didn't know
This column discusses themes of mental health struggles, relationship challenges, and personal growth. Reader discretion is advised.
This is my last column for Mental Health Awareness Month. I want to take a moment to thank each and every one of you for joining me on this journey of self-awareness. It took me a long time to understand that the world I read about growing up and the reality I lived in are not the same.
Ignorance comes in many forms, and I was unaware of my own. I've always been quiet, with a history of reading more than talking. Most of the skills I learned in life started with a book or a website, which did very little to prepare me for the nuances of life.
On Christmas morning this past year, Derrick put a ring on my finger. I knew we were getting married, but I didn’t know how, when, or what was involved. Trying to be proactive, I asked him how much he would contribute to the wedding party. He was very confused and kept asking why we would pay for the wedding party. I grew increasingly annoyed because I’m a “let’s get married at the courthouse” kind of person. So, I asked again, and he responded the same way. We were going in circles, and I didn’t know how to fix this communication barrier.
Finally, he looked at me, a mix of amusement and annoyance on his face, and asked if I meant the reception instead of the wedding party. I didn’t know the difference. It’s one of the many things I find myself embarrassed about not knowing.
I remember my eldest daughter bringing home a caboodle she borrowed from her friend. She sat in front of a mirror for hours, applying makeup in various shades and colors. When she noticed me watching her, she seemed almost ashamed to tell me she wanted to learn to put on makeup. It was clear to her that I didn’t know how, and she loved me too much to ask.
Many people take basic skills for granted—cooking, cleaning, financial literacy, or future planning. These aren't taught to everyone equally. I tried to overcompensate for these perceived deficiencies with many trips to the library. The results were often comical. Book knowledge is never one size fits all. Luckily, I’m a product of both analog and digital information.
My poor kids suffered through my learning how to cook. Their lives were chaotic because it was just me, and I didn’t know how to provide for them . I’ve always been good at making a buck, but I had no idea how to teach them to be functioning adults when I wasn’t one myself.
In the moment, we survived. They had the best childhood I could provide, and only one is in therapy, so I count that as a win. To hear them tell it, their childhood was a fun adventure, filled with trips to the library, the pool, and the lake. Reading and swimming were the skills I brought to the table; the rest we learned along the way.
All four of my children can cook enough to feed themselves and each has a solid foundation in banking, budgeting, and credit. While I still struggle with setting boundaries, it's not a problem they have. If the goal of being a parent is for your children to know more than you do, I’m pretty sure mine had me beat before they hit their teens.
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