Jon Dawson: Kinston man delays flight over hot dog
We all have that one friend who is constantly running 15 minutes late. I have one that delayed a commercial airline flight over a hot dog.
To protect the names of the guilty we'll refer to our two heroes here as Emmit and Earl. Emmit is like me and habitually early for all his appointments, whereas Earl would be late for a party if it were being held in his living room.
A few years ago Emmit and Earl flew to St. Louis to see the band U2. Along the way, they took in an Atlanta Braves game and planned to have a meal at The Varsity before catching their flight to St. Louis. The Varsity (a legendary hot dog/hamburger joint) had recently opened a satellite location in the Atlanta airport, so one would assume it would be easy to eat at the airport with plenty of time to catch their flight.
Emmit and Earl were both telling me this story at the same time, so the reason for their lateness is difficult to pin down. It may have been a combination of the Braves game going into extra innings, compounded by a Jerry Lewis movie marathon on the AMC channel. There were also rumors of Earl getting into an early morning Twitter spat with sports pundit Jim Rome.
"Earl and Jim Rome have a feud that goes back years," said Emmit. "When Earl was a sportswriter for the Gaston Gazette, he and Rome allegedly split an order of nachos at a Charlotte Hornets game and Earl says Rome ate 90% of them. In retaliation, Earl filled the pockets of Rome's leather jacket with molten Velveeta, courtesy of a nearby microwave. Ever since then, it's been Hatfield and McCoy time."
In any case, Emmit and Earl arrived at the airport with 15 minutes to spare. Emmit boarded the plane while Earl ran towards The Varsity at Terminal C. Once he arrived there was a line of people waiting to order these magical hot dogs, but instead of heading back to the plane Earl dug in. After a few minutes, the following message could be heard over the airport public address system:
"Earl Stephens, please proceed to Terminal H. Your flight will be departing in 10 minutes."
At this point, even the nuttiest cashew in the jar would have immediately given up their quest for a Varsity hot dog, no matter how great Lewis Grizzard made them sound. But not Earl.
Eventually, Earl was able to place his order, but it was going to be a few minutes before he received the food. Did I mention he was also buying hot dogs for Emmit? I also forgot to tell you that Emmit has a medical condition that sometimes generates emergency situations that requires medication. For safety, on this trip Earl was keeping the medication in his coat pocket in case Emmit got in a bind.
In an effort to delay the plane’s departure, Emmit asked several questions during the seatbelt demonstration. Even though several impatient passengers offered to fasten Emmit’s seatbelt for him - and in one instance fashion it into a noose - he demanded the crew restart the seatbelt demonstration so he’d be able to take detailed notes.
Back at The Varsity, Earl was still waiting for the food when this announcement came over the airport public address system:
"Earl Stephens, please proceed to Terminal H. Your flight will be departing in two minutes."
By now, Earl has left any remnants of rational thought in the dust. A group of F.B.I. agents were also in line at The Varsity as they were transferring Ted "The Unabomber" Kaczynski to a federal courthouse. As Mr. Kaczynski stood handcuffed in line with the agents, Earl decided to be neighborly and strike up a conversation. As the two chatted about the weather and C-4, Earl mentioned that his flight was about to leave but he was waiting for hot dogs.
"Earl, dude, I gotta tell you, that sounds a little crazy," Kaczynski said. "If you need to talk to someone I can recommend a guy."
Earl finally gets the food and is now running through the Atlanta airport with a tray loaded down with a pyramid of hot dogs, his carry-on bag and Emmit's emergency medication in his coat. With roughly 100 yards to go, the following announcement comes over the airport public address system:
"Earl Stephens, the gate to your flight about to close. Please board the plane immediately."
By now everyone on board knew they were being delayed because of Earl. Since all the seats were full except for Earl's. Emmit was getting dirty looks from the passengers, crew and clergy alike.
Just as the plane was about to disengage from the airport terminal, Earl let out a scream to please hold the door. Not wanting his fellow passengers to know he delayed their flight over a hot dog, Earl took one bite of a hot dog and trashed the rest as he boarded the plane. Two seconds before stepping foot on the plane, Earl spontaneously developed a limp in an attempt to gain sympathy from what he knew would be a hostile group of air travelers.
"Even with the limp it was a cold reception," Earl said. "It was like Tiger Woods coming home to 200 spouses after being caught at a gentleman's club."
Having heard this story for the first time last week, I understandably had a hard time believing it.
"So you mean to tell me you delayed a commercial flight over a hot dog?" I asked.
"He did," said Emmit.
"So you've got a couple of hundred people on an airplane, some of which are being reunited with family - maybe even members of the military about to see their babies for the first time - and you held them up over a hot dog?" I asked.
"Yes," said Earl. "And I'd do it again. That one bit was worth it."
I don't have an ending for this thing, but if any representatives of The Varsity would like to use Emmit and Earl in a testimonial commercial, I've appointed myself as their agent. These guys aren't half as annoying as the two guys in the Sonic commercials. They'll probably work for hot dogs, but Col. Jon is going to need some money.
Jon Dawson’s humor columns are published weekly by Neuse News. Contact Jon for all Emmit and Earl inquiries at jon@neusenews.com and www.jondawson.com.
